A Funeral for 2018

I LOVE New Years. Not just because I live in Las Vegas, and it's absolutely amazing to celebrate here, but because I love the energy. So many people take the New Year as their shot to better themselves. To strive for goals they thought were too big earlier in the year. Nothing is too big, no dream too far, no car too expensive. Lots of us take our goals, our dreams, and hopes and send them out to the universe and anyone who will listen with so much love, excitement, appreciation, and gratitude for the life that could be and that puts us all in a place to take leaps and bounds towards it. Energetically, this is a beautiful time to be aware of all the possibilities for everyone!

USUALLY, I'm right there with the life changers. Talking about a New Year and a New Me. Ready to make resolutions to eat healthily, stop smoking, get more fit, make more money. You know, whatever my focus is at the time. But this time, I have a new plan for myself. First off-it's to reflect.

The last 2 years were unbelievably rough. I went from the most confident I had ever been, my personal business and brand growing faster than I could have planned, I was very happy with my personal appearance, I was building new friendships and relationships and all of that I saw continuing and moving forward for years to come! Then, somehow I diverted to a path where I was all alone and anything but successful. But during all of that loss, the most amazing thing in the world happened to me. I became a mother. But the becoming part deeply broke me down.

Pregnancy was so hard. I had pregnant friends before, and I knew it was difficult. Morning sickness seemed rough (at best), it looked like walking and standing up was a struggle, but everyone seemed to survive through it and had this beautiful "glow" about it. For me, I LITERALLY thought I was going to die. It was so painful. I could barely eat for months, I was losing more than I was gaining and I was absolutely terrified for the life that was growing inside of me. Nothing worked for the morning sickness, not crackers, not random candies, teas or anything from the drug store. NOTHING. It was horrible. I couldn't even get out of bed, and I wouldn't take anything unless it was absolutely certain to not have any effect on the baby. One day, we accidentally found that Benedryl not only helped with an allergy I was having and safe but stopped my morning sickness long enough for me to finish a meal and get to sleep.  Thank God I had the most amazing Doctor and Nurses that found something that worked for me, I ended up having to be prescribed Phenergan which eventually helped me keep food down and feel like a human again. My Mom is literally the MVP of my pregnancy, she was the only person who was here for us while I was struggling and broken pretty much every day of my entire pregnancy. I always hear people say, you really find out who your friends are and who's there for you when you are truly down and out, and I will never forget how hard my Mom worked, and continues to work to make sure that everything is taken care of.

Fast Forward to a few months ago, I have this amazing happy little boy who is the entire light of my life and I couldn't be happier. BUT, the rest of my life in my eyes was in shambles, my self-image was hidden in the dark under a rock, I didn't even remember what a career was like and my brand was completely non-existent. This is where step two came in-find a tribe & make a plan. I realized I could not stay down, and I needed to find a new tribe to help lead me towards a plan and what life is supposed to look like now.

I started joining mom groups, trying to figure out what everyone else did at this point. I felt like it wasn't possible for me to live my life like I used to. It wasn't appropriate for a mom to wear form-fitting clothes, enjoy living in a city like Vegas, or show how proud I was of myself on social media because "Moms just don't do that." I had to look like a mom, do mom things, and hide my mom hips. It was really weird for me to jump into these communities and find that most of them, instead of building each other up, they looked like they kind of enjoyed tearing each other down and passing pretty mean judgment. A lot of the moms I met were really cool, but the vibe of the groups as a whole just really ruined it all for me. So...I decided to scrub ALL of that because none of that resonated with me and I don't want a tribe or anyone around me that wants to tear down on someone for doing the best that they can. So, I went at it alone. It has really been a struggle digging myself out of this hole, but thanks to a beautiful Christmas and all these amazing New Years energies I am so happy to finally feel like a me I am proud of. I get to stay home and watch this amazing human develop before my eyes and I realize that the only things I have to change about our lives now are the things that just don't fit anymore and aren't for our best interest or the best interest of those involved.

Step Three ends my 2018 - A New Year, but not a new me. More like the actual me or a more authentic me. After reading an Instagram post from @QueenNaija I really dug deep and realized that everything that I was feeling was self-inflicted. I wasn't being myself on social media, in my blog or with the world not because anyone told me I needed to be different, but because I had these thoughts and ideas about myself that were so negative and judgemental that I thought I needed to hide myself and be different...but in reality I've become an even doper version of myself since becoming a mother and a few stretch marks, mom hips, and lack of a tribe isn't going to stop me from doing what I set out to do to begin with. My goal has always been to be of service to as many people as I can, and I can only do that by being the best me I can be.

So, 2018 is ending in a funeral. It's the death of all those thoughts and ideas I had that were negative about myself and about how I needed to act and a coming back to myself. I'm lighting a candle for all that negative judgment I was holding onto and letting it go forever, and you are SO welcome to join me! Send me an email, DM on social media (@nikkionvegas everywhere) or comment down below and I'll light a candle for you too and we can send away all of our negativity with the closing of 2018.

2019 for me, is going to be going right back to focusing on helping people take the vacations they always wanted to and SO much more like speaking out on everything I've been going through in the hopes it helps someone going through some of the same. So, hit the subscribe button, and follow all of my social media pages to make sure you stay up to date with what's going on and how I plan on helping you start taking the vacations you deserve.

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Sending you all light and love all 2019,
-Nikki